“Gene Screen: Will We Vote Against a Candidate’s DNA?”

While still high, the cost of high-speed genetic analysis is falling fast. It took 13 years and $2.7 billion to determine all the DNA in the first complete human genome, finished in 2006. Earlier this month, a Mountain View, Calif., company called Complete Genomics announced that by next year it will be able to read out an entire personal genome for $5,000.

What an effective piece of technology journalism. You see, some people think that technology journalism reports important topics in science. This is ridiculous. Technology journalism reports fancy theme parties.

I’m not going to discuss “voting against a candidate’s DNA” for the same reasons why I not going to discuss if the modern luxury automobile really can be “Pure. Performance.” today in the 21st century. Instead, I have destructed Robert Hotz’s work and offer my own modern adaptation. I hope this will help contemporary generations better appreciate “Gene Screen” as it was understood by its author and the Wall Street Journal.

A W! Exclusive: Genomes, Revealed!

“Wazzup! I’m your host, Robby H, and I’m broadcasting la-la-live here at the fabulous Wall Street Club for the exclusive Genomes for Democratic Awareness Drive —brought to you by Complete Genomics of Mountain View, Calif. Yes yes yes this part-ay is hot hot hot, and for such a good cause, too. Let’s meet some of the guests before, you know, the coming era of personal genomics leaves us behind!

“Omigawd, that hunk in the foyer is George Annas, the hottest name in bioethics hailing from Boston University. Let’s go check him out. —George! How have you been? I love your hair. Where did you get that coffee? Tell us about tonight’s cause!”

“Rob, let me tell you, this sh*beep*t is so hot. DNA is not an issue in this campaign, but next campaign —it will be bigger. Dude, it’s coming.”

“And hey, what about Complete Genomics, huh? They sure know how to throw a party? Remember the first human genome back in 06? Complete Genomics is all about releasing the remake next year. This is going to be huge… and you know, it’s all for democracy, too. Oh! oh! look! through this crowd of VIPs, by the spit kit table, it’s George Church! George!!!” Rob waves frantically, pushing through the crowd of international dignitaries towards a beaded man encircled by an overly attentive audience sipping oragenes. “George, George Church. People: this is The George Church, director and producer of the Harvard’s Personal Genome Project.”

Flashing a contemptuous glace, George willfully ignores Rob and continues to address his admiring crowd. “…I would be shocked if Americans and people in other countries don’t want this type of data. It is not like we are collecting horoscope data or tea-leaf data. These are real facts!” his face reddens, the spit-kitting must be catching up to him, “…just as real as bank accounts and the influence of political action committees or family members.” Rob is subtly jostled back as well-dressed security notice the situation and discretely places themselves between Rob and George’s circle.

“Oh. My. Gawd. That was Harvard neuroscientist Steven Pinker, Internet visionary Esther Dyson, Rosalynn Gill, chief scientific officer of Sciona. The technocrat crowd is hot hot hot tonight! I just know the PGP will be a volunteering smash. I mean, with a budget of 100,000 personal genomes, how could it not? Speaking of the Harvard crowd, here’s Aaron Kesselheim. Aaron, what can you say about tonight’s cause?”

Aaron launches into monotone recollection of tangentially related historic facts as Ron begins to slump, making little effort to conceal the misfortune of engaging the party bore as the camera pans over Aaron’s shoulder to the tacky multimedia display on the wall.

“Mildred!” Rob grabs the arm of a woman walking by. “People, this is, um, Mildred Cho of Stanford. Mildred, would you comment on Aaron’s, um, Aaron’s viewpoints?”

Mildred notices the camera and hesitates, then smiles disingenuously before pulling away. “Sometimes, there’s less to it than meets the eye.” By this time, Rob and his camera crew have drifted back to the outside of George Church’s circle. In the background, his back to the camera as it pans away from the retreating Mildred, Steven Prinker exclaims a too loudly, “But you know, George, I do have some susceptibility to having irregular menstrual periods! Uh ha!” Rob theatrically rolls his eyes.

“T.M.I. Let’s um, let’s go over here… ooo, look at this fine group of love-ly ladies!”

The women in the circle break their conversation and flirt with the camera. “Hiiii Ronny!” *giggle*

“Ok, let’s break this down: people, this is Anita Allen of University of Pennsylvania, Lori Andrews of Chicago-Kent, and Tenielle Brown of Stanford. And how fine they look! Anita, darling, you look so hot in that slinky dress, and we’ve got it all on film here at W!”

Anita poses seductively, “Oh Robby, you know it would end up on sleazy blogs and in attack ads.”

“Oh, you know it girl. Oh, here’s Henry Greely, director of Stanford’s Center for Law and the Biosciences. Henry, weigh in for the ladies.”

Henry leers, obviously drunk. “They are not… private people, Ron. You know, so far, no one has tested the legal limits of a candidate’s genetic privacy. Candidates may have the right to refuse to disclose genetic data, but their refusal is something that voters could and probably should… hold against them. Mmm.”

“Haha, ooo-kay, tiger, calm down. Gr-owl! Well, I think this wraps up W! exclusive coverage of the Genomes for Democratic Awareness Drive by Complete Genomics. OOOoo yah! We really know now who’s who in genomics tonight! Be sure to come back next week for some more big “Sergey-Shakeups” and remember, I love you all! Muah! Don’t forget, I love your emails! Txt me! This is Robert Lee Hotz of the Wall Street Journal —peace out.”

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